January 24, 2017
I can and I will
I am a novelist, a poet, a songwriter. I am an artist, a speaker, a dancer. I am a singer, a musician, an entertainer. I am a lover of fitness and health.
I am all of these things and more, on the inside.
On the outside I am none of these things.
On the outside, I am someone who has ideas but talks about them infrequently. I get excited about my interests, but drop them quickly, if I’ve picked them up at all.
After a lifetime of second guessing myself, an unexpected pregnancy, new motherhood, and recently coming out of a long, deep depression, I look in the mirror and see a stranger.
Where did I go?
As a “homemaker” and a full time stay at home mom, my main focus for the last three years has been to give my all to making my new family work and to contribute to raising what we hope to be a genuinely good human being. I wanted to give myself to our daughter completely and be there for her, entirely, to give her the best start to her life I possibly could. I have succeeded so far, I am proud of my accomplishments as a mother. My relationship is a good one, I was fortunate in love and met a wonderful man and I’ve enjoyed growing and learning with him. But then there is me.
The day I first sat down to write my “about page” (which ended up being much shorter and this became my first post), I sat there for an uncomfortably long time.
Who am I? I didn’t know.
It was frightful.
I cried. I contemplated. I felt compelled to write something lovely and enticing, but since a huge part of this blog is about is being honest, I took a few days to reflect on what I would say.
Even though I am proud as a mother and happy as a partner, I cannot say that I am proud of me. So much outside of me has changed, and my inner world hasn’t caught up. A few years ago I felt that I was finally on my way, to who I wanted to grow into and for the most part, what I was going to do with my life. For the first time in my life, I had a real plan, and I was early on the path to getting there, but as life will sometimes go, the weather changed unexpectedly and I was unprepared for the winds that would blow me to my own personal Oz.
Where am I? Where do I stand? I have changed.
I haven’t done a lot in the three years (and nine months of pregnancy) to grow or advance personally.
I am the most out of shape I have ever been, physically and mentally. I haven’t had a real job for a very long time, for the first time, since my first job when I was 13.
I am now out of the wake of a tidal wave of change. I am on my way back to shore and desperate to walk again. Needing to run. Ready to fly.
I am a devoted mother and a loving partner. And I am ready to be more.
I am a dreamer and a fighter. I am strong and willful. On the inside, I am all of the things I mentioned at the top. Those parts of me have been impatiently waiting to be set free, to be put to work, to come to life. The purpose of this blog is the beginning of being true to who I am, and is my public journal of a mission to discover me.
Every month for the first year of the life of this blog I will undertake/explore/attempt something new, something that I have always wanted to do, and I will write about it. The amazing, the horrifying, the unexpected, good and bad. I am excited and terrified. The list of things I want to accomplish is long, so picking 12 things to get started towards a better me was easy. Actually accomplishing them all is going to be the interesting part.
Are you on your way to a better you? What excites you, intrigues you, scares you? Have you been holding back and hiding the best parts of yourself? What could you do that would make you breathe a little deeper, smile a little more, or just be proud to talk about?
Step out of your comfort zone with me. Let’s start living, let’s do it now.
Where a small seed is planted, a mighty trunk may grow. – Aeschylus
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